Tuesday, September 10, 2013

After a short hiatus

LONG POST AHEAD

I've been in hiatus for a short while doing crafty stuff. It wasn't that long but I had a lot of backlogs. I only started this week and I felt really good. I needed that.

You see, I just had my second missed abortion.14 days ago to be exact. I don't know what happened but it happened and unlike the first time when I didn't know I was pregnant, this is really a hard blow because we knew it, we planned it. I had an Intrauterine Insemination done. It was successful because I got pregnant. I will always remember the day I saw those two lines, July 11, 2013. After that it was smooth sailing although I was experiencing the usual symptoms of pregnancy (as what I gathered from family, friends and some readings). I felt bloated all the time (including the farting part - yes everyday). Always sleepy. But no morning sickness or even food cravings. Or even sensitivity with scents etc. No bleeding or something. Nothing too drastic like I've seen from other pregnant women. Everything was fine until my OB saw me unexpectedly (Aug. 17) in her clinic when I accompanied my husband who went to see another doctor for a medical report. She ushered me in and said she wanted to check on me. I was supposed to be 8 weeks by that time. In the u/s, the size of the baby showed 7 weeks and 2 days only. The u/s scanning took quite a while. Instinct kicked in and I felt in my gut something's wrong. But my head said no don't think about any negative thoughts. BUT I KNEW. Something was wrong. With the facial expression of my doctor, I knew she's not telling me everything. Then she suddenly said nothing to be worried about. She assured me everything's fine. But the nagging feeling's there. She said to come back on the day I'm supposed to have my first REAL appointment. She told me that if ever I feel something anything, call her. If there's any bleeding, call her immediately. We went back a few days after (Aug. 21) because I was feeling some intermittent dull ache in my lower abdomen. I had another u/s and my doctor was happy unlike the last time. She said the baby grew according to the days that passed. And said don't worry about the size there's still time for the baby to grow. She also said there's a heartbeat. What a relief, right? Then she said I'd have to go to a specialist in a hospital where she knows someone. Their clinic don't have the facility or doesn't cater to first born deliveries, too critical they said. So, I thought that's better. I was scheduled to have an appointment in a few days.

August 23, 2013 - Before dinner time. I felt some pain, short but quite a pain. I didn't mind. Thought it was just like those days before where I was having pain but will go away. I was feeling kind of bloated again that night. But when I went to the bathroom, I saw some dark brown stain in my undies. Just a line. I informed my doctor right away and she called me. She said I will need to go to the doctor she referred me to first thing in the morning.

August 24, 2013 - One hot afternoon on our way to Hail General Hospital. I was oblivious of what's gonna happen that day. I felt..nothing. Like no worries at all. We were early so we waited a few minutes before the doctor arrived. I had with me all my files from my first OB. When the new doctor saw me, I gave her the files and read it. She asked a few questions etc. then we went to the U/S room. First thing she told me was, "Do you know anything about u/s? Did your doctor explained to you what you see in an u/s?" I believe my heart skipped several beats before I answered her yes. She showed me the u/s monitor. Very clear I saw already what she's trying to tell me.

"This is your uterus", she said. "And this is the sac and the baby inside." "And this is the lowest part of your uterus." "The sac is fine, its shape is intact. But it's not supposed to be there. You see this line, like a path here? I believe this is where the sac traveled through after detaching itself from" **** - I forgot what she said***.... etc etc etc etc... slowly I was like fading away... I wanted to cry but I just bit my lower lips until I tasted blood.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, Donna.. but the baby's dead. No heartbeat and all. I checked carefully and looked for a heartbeat but there's nothing."

You know the feeling - you wanted to say something but couldn't wouldn't because you know you'd break down and you never know if you want to shout or wail or something coz the pain's too much? That's what I felt. I wanted to ask her a lot of questions... lots of things.. WHY!!!!???? WHY?????? WHAT HAPPENED???

When I finally found my voice, I asked her is she sure? No hope? No way to save my baby??? She just said I can return a day or two to check but it will be the same. There's finality in her words. She's a specialist, after all. She said the bleeding I had the night before was probably when the sac detached from the uterus? I don't know I really forgot the term or what's that supposed to be called.

I came out in the room crying. Nobody talked to me even the other doctor infront of me. I tried to look into her and she just stared straight ahead. No empathy? Or doctors are just like that? or maybe because I'm a foreigner? I don't know. Then I called my first OB and her doctor friend informed her. She told me to listen to the specialist and do whatever I needed to do and return right away if needed for possible "evacuation" procedure. Wow... there's really no hope anymore, guessing from her instructions.

Then I saw my husband outside. And that's when I started crying OUT LOUD not caring if people will hear me. I took his arm coz I thought I'd pass out. I was crying so hard. I was SO heartbroken. And I know he is too. I cried in the corridors through the parking lot and didn't stop until we reached our house. Hubby asked me if I wanted my friend in the other room to come out so she can accompany me but told him no I wanted to be alone. I went straight to our bedroom, took of my Abaya and cried in our bed. Was hours after I messaged my mother, my brothers, close relatives and one of my best friends.

Hubby cuddled me and I cried like a baby in his arms... lots of things went through my head but I didn't talk that much. It was dark already when my friend woke up and she went in our room and cried with me. I explained to her what the doctor said. Hubby said we can ask for a second opinion. Told him no, what's the use. We already went to a specialist, right?? Just to be sure, just to have an explanation.. maybe that's what he thought.

August 26, 2013 - We went to another doctor a couple of days after, a Filipina OB in another clinic. She basically said the same thing but she explained to my husband what could have happened. Though she said we still wait for at least two more weeks. Miracles happen and since I am not bleeding nor feeling anything at all, we just wait and she said to continue some of the meds. But even after that I felt hopeless already. Slowly I processed the harsh reality of what could happen in the next few hours..next few days.. I was waiting to bleed like what happened the first time.

August 28, 2013 - I couldn't sleep at all. I woke up at 3am and I was feeling some cramping. Then an ache I couldn't explain. I was waking up every 30 minutes and from 3am to 8am the dull ache was slowly gaining, it was kind of intolerable already like my lower abdomen would burst or something. I couldn't explain what I was feeling. Just too much cramping. At 8am, I told my husband to take me to the hospital, in the Maternity hospital where he works. He wanted to go to the Filipina doctor but told him no. I think it's time. On our way, I thought I was kind of writhing in pain in my seat. I tried to control it, I was feeling dizzy and I could feel sweat in my head, my face, my arms.. I think my whole body. It's not from the heat outside but from the pain. I still walked and was able to sit in the waiting area of the emergency room. I thought I was gonna pass out and was like sitting but not sitting. Thoughts were running through my head, like is this what in labor feel like? what's happening with my baby? my baby really wants to come out now... and i could feel I was bleeding already. It wasn't that long but it felt like forever before the nurse ushered me in the emergency room. I was asked to lie down, by myself, on the bed. So I did on my own. They waited for my husband to pay first before they assisted me. Whew... really... after some more writhing on the small hospital bed (I think it was a stretcher), the doctor finally went in and asked me several questions. I was like OMG I'm in pain doctor really...please couldn't you do something already??? You see, males are not allowed anywhere, in a room, full of female. Their country, their rules. After the interview the nurse gave me a hospital gown and told me to wear it. Again, NO assistance. I was in so much pain, I was bleeding, dressing myself, no assistance at all from the nurses. I guess from the anger I was feeling, the pain in my abdomen kind of subsided a bit. But I was still bleeding and the nurse didn't care. I was taken to the 3rd floor on a wheelchair. Again no hubby allowed. Unless it's visiting hours they said. Good thing the pain was subsiding or else I might have gone mad, really mad if they said nobody I know can accompany me. I was taken to the same room where my friend stayed when she delivered her second baby (irony of things). I waited for a few more minutes for the doctor to arrive. I went to the u/s room with him and one nurse. Yeah, I walked by myself no assistance from the nurse. The doctor said no it's still there since I haven't had any bleeding yet. So he will run another u/s after a few hours. The nurses gave me some meds (Methergine-?- and some antibiotic) through IV... oh the IV insertion... OMG.. that's all I will say, OMG the nurses -_- Anyway, after a few hours I felt bloated or something. Good thing the nurse gave me a pad, I felt a gush of blood when I exerted some effort to "push".... and I knew the baby came out. I waited for a few more minutes of "pushing" and called the nurses so I can change pads. I told them something came out and they took it. They said the doctor will come at 12 to check on me again but he didn't until around 3pm. I had another u/s and he said "Masha Allah" - no need for D & C, it was a complete abortion, the uterus is clean, he said. Those were his words....

I was discharged at around 6pm, I think. Took them a few more hours because the first shift didn't finish my paper works and didn't endorse properly to the next shift (very good staff). Good thing my husband was there, he stayed because it was visiting hours already. I wasn't crying anymore. I opted not to think about anything. I have a lot of time for that when I get home.

So there... in just one day... all the waiting for our little miracle turned into a heartbreaking moment. I cried more after a few days... I cried openly at first, around my husband...my friends.. but after that I cried alone. I didn't want them to see me crying.

Now after two weeks, the pain is still the same but I control it. Nothing to do but move on, told myself.... I was browsing for some things after having a miscarriage.. what I should and shouldn't be doing stuff like that. Then I came across this article...

"Top 5 best things to say" 
To someone who has experienced a miscarriage

It was a short but spot on post...and with a few comments... and in those few comments from the readers, this one struck a nerve so hard, made my husband cry too when I asked him to read it.

".....And despair doesn't even begin to describe it. I remember just feeling lost, immobile. I cried, I sobbed, I shouted, I wailed. But I heard something and read it later, that has given me so much comfort; that every baby chooses us to be their parents, whether we lose them through miscarriage, through termination, through stillbirth, through early death or at any point in their lives, they chose us. Even though they know they cant stay, they want to be with us. That gave me peace."

Our babies chose us.. though they left mommy and daddy too early, too soon... we're still thankful for the short period of time they made us happy, SUPER HAPPY. That span of time we were able to dream, we saw ourselves how we're going to be parents to them. I don't want to question myself, nor God.. the many why, why me, why us... No I am not doing that, because I know my questions won't be answered. But all I know is, we still have faith. My husband and I are still hoping.. we still have faith... that HE will give us our own child/ren in his perfect time, whenever that is... and we'll continue to pray...


Happy crafting,
Donna
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1 Comments:

SuGaRHiGh said...

I hope you're okay. I experienced something similar just recently and I don't think you will get over the loss. I'm glad you have a supportive husband.. they come in handy in times like this. =)
God Bless po at sana dumating na ang little blessing nyo soon.

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